(Editor’s Note: We here at the gar spot came across a discarded script for a political ad that was never produced. From what we could tell, this script was meant as a silent movie, with black and white photography, broad pantomime performances, and placards that displayed the dialog. There also would have been in the movie houses where this was to be shown an upright piano (something like this) to provide live musical accompaniment. As a service to our readers, we are publishing this discovered script in full.)
THE DANGERS OF DEMOCRACY
(Cue pastoral piano riff.)
Once upon a time in America, the country’s citizens prepared for Presidential Elections, that once-every-four-year ritual where they blow balloons, make platforms, stream banners, and listen to lots and lots and lots and lots of speeches from those who place their name in the running for the presidency.
(Cue darker piano riff: Bom, bom, bom, bom BOM, bom-bom-bom-bom…)
Meanwhile, at the headquarters of Koch Industries Unlimited, the Brothers Koch sweated and squirmed.
Koch Brother #1: My Brother, democracy is all very well, but we have profits to earn.
Koch Brother #2: Yes, Brother-mine, we do.
KB#1: We can’t allow these elections to make a decision that would jeopardize our business interests. OUR candidate must be the winner!
KB#2: Yes, Brother-mine. But what else can we do? We’ve given our candidate lots of money.
(Cue falling dollar bills.)
KB#2: And we’ve demonized the other guy.
(Cue Obama kewpie doll in African headdress, carrying a copy of the Holy Koran in one hand and The Communist Manifesto in the other.)
KB#2: And our guy did better in the first debate.
(Cue winning boxer jumping up and down and fist pumping.)
KB#1: Yes, yes, that’s all very well, My Brother, but it still isn’t enough. Look at this graph! If Obama wins reelection, our profits will diminish.
(Cue graph with red line crashing through the floor.)
KB#1: We’re set to make at least $30 bazillion this year, but if Obama wins, we’ll only make $29.99995 bazillion. And that Won’t Do!
(Cue shrieks of horror.)
KB#2: Yes, Brother-mine, that is just dreadful.
(Cue lightbulb over KB#2’s head.)
KB#2: Wait a minute, Brother-mine.
KB#1: Yes, My Brother?
KB#2: You mean to say that we’ll lose that much money if Obama wins the election?
KB#1: Yes, My Brother.
KB#2: Well then, Brother-mine, our problems are solved!
KB#1: How so, My Brother?
KB#2: Well, don’t you see? All we have to do is say that if Obama wins, well, we’ll have to make some Serious Budgetary Decisions here at Koch Industries Unlimited.
KB#2: Yes! Don’t you see? In order to make the profits that are rightfully ours, we’ll have to make some changes around here to ensure that we do.
KB#1: You don’t mean?
KB#2: Of course, I do, Brother-mine!
KB#1 & KB#2 (in unison): LAYOFFS!
(Cue crashing piano chord.)
And so it was decided and quickly disseminated throughout the land and before long, the headlines appeared everywhere:
Newspapers across the land began spreading the news. Soon the good people of America stopped blowing their balloons and putting up their streamers and they stopped their voter registration drives. They began to wonder, are they at risk of losing their jobs?
Random Voter: This is a democracy! I will vote for whomever I want to vote for!
(Cue cheering crowds.)
KB#2: We’ll see about that. (As he twiddles his long, thin, handlebar mustache.)
(Cue Random Voter receiving a pink slip in his mailbox and falling over in a dead faint.)
(Cue other voters gasping.)
The successes of the Brothers Koch led to more and more wealthy CEOs making the same dire warnings.
CEO#1: Well, we can’t afford four more years of Obama’s failed policies.
CEO#2: True, we received a government bailout, but now we need them to go the *BLEEP* away and leave us alone!
CEO#3: He’s a Marxist, Fascist, Pinko, Commie, Anarchist, Homo-loving, Girly-Man, who is probably not even really a citizen to begin with.
CEO#4: It’s Our Money!
The election was thrown into instant and complete chaos. Those who planned to vote for Mitt Romney did so gleefully, confident that their vote would preserve jobs.
Random Romney Voter#1: I am doing my part for America by voting for Mitt Romney.
Random Romney Voter#2 (#1’s Wife): Yes, we are not one of those America-hating, freeloaders like they got out in California or New York. We’re real Americans!
Random Romney Voter#1: That’s right, Honey. Let’s go do our civic duty. Oh, and don’t forget to bring the Social Security check we got in the US Mail so that we can deposit it afterwards.
Random Romney Voter #2: Yes, Dear. And don’t forget, you have an appointment with your Medicare-provided doctor this afternoon.
Meanwhile, those who planned to vote for President Obama hid, afraid to leave their homes for fear of being attacked by terrifying hoards of Friends of Job Creators (with echo).
The Friends of Job Creators (with echo), not job creators themselves, but ordinary folks who looked out for FJCs and did their bidding, sought out Obama voters and prevented them from voting by shaming them into submission.
Random FJC: Say, Bob, where are you going?
Random Semi-secret Obama Voter: Oh, no where Mike. Just getting some air.
Random FJC: I hope you aren’t planning to vote, Bob. Because if you are, I’ll have to chop off your hands.
(Cue Bob running frantically back into his house and slamming the door.)
At polling places, ad-hoc voter ID rules became the Law of the Land.
Random Voting Place Worker#1: Let’s see, which car is yours, honey?
Random Voter: It’s the green, uh, Toyota?
Random Voting Place Worker#2 (spying out the window with binoculars): It’s a Prius, Betty! And it looks like it had an Obama sticker on it that was half peeled off!
Random Voting Place Worker #1: I’m sorry, honey, but you can’t vote here. My husband has a job, you know. Please go away.
(Cue Random Voter racing out of the voting place in tears.)
Meanwhile, at Koch Industries Unlimited (cue scary piano music), the Brothers Koch toasted themselves.
The Brothers Koch: To assured victory!
(Cue clinking champaign glasses.)
How could this happen, in the land of the free, and the home of the brave? Are American really allowing themselves to be cowed into voting at the orders of an unelected oligarchy, whose sole purpose is to enrich themselves at any cost? Do they really believe that it is legal or right or fair to be threatened with layoffs if they don’t vote a certain way? Aren’t there laws against this sort of thing? Will people stand up for themselves, damn the oligarchs, and vote for their own self-interests, not in the interests of millionaires and billionaires?
Stay tuned. . .
(Cue fade out.)
© 2012, gar. All rights reserved.